Wednesday, 21 May 2008


All this may seem a little off the beaten path, but since our culture is in the midst of a lingering female sexual dysfunction epidemic, it seems to me that the division of the labours and responsibilities of the sexes ought to be made quite distinct.

It has, for instance, been stated very clearly - in a report commissioned some time ago by the UK environment department - that “people who take the time to chat over the fence to their neighbours and have plenty of sex tend to be happier.” The Whitehall Wellbeing Working Group (W3G for short), was a committee of civil servants which had been charged with finding out how ministers can make citizens more cheerful. Consequently, this consisted of research into the factors influencing happiness and how governments can affect it.

So what did they do? Put themselves at the head of the ideas of their time, of course!

Fortunately - now that cosmetic surgery is available and all women can look like inflatable dolls - trials have already begun on a sex drug that works directly on the pleasure zones of a woman’s brain. If successful, flibanserin — developed by a German pharmaceutical company — could become the “female Viagra” - or a means of reinstating declining passion.

Of course, if it's necessary to have an expert on call, you can’t beat the Krauts.

You see, Viagra, designed to help men with erectile dysfunction, was also tested by Pfizer as a sex drug for women. But while it produced greater pelvic blood flow it failed, unfortunately, to emulate the male desire.

Surprise, surprise!

I’m not saying we should be soft on my own sex. Indeed, I’d like very much to be locked up in a cage and be but scantily dressed in handcuffs and whipped cream. But I think we can do better by examining states of mind. Subconsciously I have long believed that female sexual dysfunction is not just related to blood pressure, but also affected, however sublimely, by appeal to certain emotive areas dealing with the human heart. Call it a clash of temperaments, but a women never tires of meaningful declarations of affection, of dinner at a posh hotel, of being complimented for no reason at all, of having her fortune told in a predictable way, and the lid put back on the toilet bowl. In fact, I have found that my favourite moment for being told “I love you”, is just before switching off the reading light. The vagina is not a waste-disposal unit, but a metaphor for love. Besides would you really want to inseminate a female’s birth canal while she is massively medicated?

And did you know that men are admired for some of the very qualities for which women are despised?

With men, doctrines of moral and social progress simply fall on deaf ears. Predatory ideas about sexual profligacy prevail. It may sound benign compared to watching Deep Throat or witness a prostitute being spunked in the face, but, as I’ve told you before, men will fornicate with anything that is soft, warm, and has anything like a perceptible pulse. A daily shag, to most of them, provides everything they could possible want out of life. It's as enticing as snorting coke and as cordial as a game of darts. It's also pleasurable, environmentally sustainable and something you can do at home.

In fact, I only mention this, because Paula Hall, a sex therapist for the charity Relate, sounded a note of caution. She appeared less than thrilled at the prospect of sharing an intimate moment with an overheated, overbearing, overly familiar domestic adjunct, for whom in her heart she had no use at all. In fact, she went so far as to indicate her misgivings as to whether a drug could deal with the root problems of poor sex lives. “The biggest cause of low sexual desire is relationship problems,” she‘s reported to have said. “Many women with low sexual desire have no problem with sexual excitement.” The desire is there, apparently, but the right man is not.

Well, I think I‘ve heard that one before! So I’m passing this on, in every sense, as a public service announcement: It’s all down to relationship problems?!

Fortunately, a new nasal spray drug called bremelanotide is intended to take care even of that. Designed to stimulate nerve pathways linked to sexual arousal it has the same effect on men as on women. A noble and egalitarian idea, I think you may agree. Or a grab-and-run mission? I find it hard not to be prejudicial - men have a penchant for talking dirty. What’s worse, they like it when you squeal (bastards). Nor do I wish to be implicated in new and extreme ways of seducing a female. For if Whitehall’s civil servants appear to have a better eye for chemical effects rather than emotional causes, then there will never be a limit to wishful thinking. Basking in their own post-coital glows, they seem to regard all men as instantly attractive and all women as pining to be raped.

And that, surely, is all you can ask for?



All Shook Up said...

How typical of Nu Labour to promise great sex for everyone on the NHS. Next thing you know, it will be compulsory. Then taxed. I've always found rohipnol to work perfectly well and never had a complaint from the (admittedly unconscious) woman afterwards. So why force everyone to use this new-fangled German drug?

I blame the EU.

Jonathan said...

But do they have to be sincere, truthful 'meanignful declarations of affection'?

If they do, why then the spoils and victories of the lying, charming bastard....he asked timelessly.

As a boy my mother told me I should cultivate 'charm'. I told her I'd rather be honest

....not a recipe for sexual success I can accept.

Selena Dreamy said...

Regrettably, Jonathan - and paradoxical as it may seem - for the assault upon virtue, to be completely honest seldom proves a successful strategy!

Lord James Bigglesworth said...

“The biggest cause of low sexual desire is relationship problems,” she‘s reported to have said. “Many women with low sexual desire have no problem with sexual excitement.” The desire is there, apparently, but the right man is not.

Maybe it's not a problem of the right man but in bringing out the best in her man. Many women don't consider this aspect.

Anonymous said...

I think if you met me you would need any nasal sprays to make you wet. Oh....thats a bit rude isnt it? I have had a few beers tonight as it is Friday...

Selena Dreamy said...

...well, with all those pints you've had, what I really need is a Mutley-repellent spray!