Saturday, 5 March 2016

My own part in the downfall of Hillary Clinton... !

The following is the unedited version of an exposé currently featured in the 19th revised edition of Malleus Maleficus'  [title withheld] *** (see below): If you wish to report intrusiveness, racism or inaccuracies, please email  To make a formal complaint under IPSO rules please contact IPSO directly at .  

 ....there were perhaps half a dozen of us who met at the entrance of  the General Assembly Hall. The very Eleanor Mills to whom I owe all my first-hand knowledge of the leading internet porn sites, and the former attorney-general of Arkansas  - and suspected sex offender - Bill Clinton, together with presidential contender Hillary and a mutual tendency to lie, fantasise and exaggerate.
            I went with Donald Trump, a man widely  detested as someone who seeks to build a reputation for himself by contriving to demolish the status of others;  the kind of man - it is claimed by numerous liberated women - who is always humiliating others but never shows humility himself.  The disadvantage of “The Donald” being, that while speech is the pivot on which all freedom turns, being honest has a rather rat-like bite to its reputation.
            “I don’t mince words,” Donald said. “Not I”,
She had no thoughts on the subject, Hillary said airily, and would merely confine herself to be a crusader for women’s justice. Someone, she added piously, who believes that survivors of sexual assault have “the right to be heard” and the “right to be believed”, and went on to exhort all survivors of sexual assault: “We’re with you.”
“You must be a comfort to Monica,” I said sunnily - at which she gave me a hard stare.
Trump was dismissive “This is clearly a woman who owns a dildo,” he said, leaning forward confidentially. If she were a man, she'd be polling at 5%.
"Actually she has a drawer full of toys quite unsuitable for small children," Bill clarified, adding matter-of-factly that  it was refreshing to be in the company of a female who did not claim to have had sexual relations with him.
Is that the position, Bill? the Donald asked crisply. Is she breaking your balls?
          “My position is plain,” Hillary barked.“We should be talking  about the continuing struggles that Americans face with racism, with sexism, with discrimination against the LGBT community, with New Americans, with people with disabilities.”

          I choked back tears, the Donald did not.
            “Oh, nuts!” he said. “You are in violation of every natural law known to me - cops are racist, business owners are bad; thugs, drug dealers and crack addict are good! Up is down, wrong is right. Can you just not breathe, waffle or talk. I'm tired of listening to your bullshit, lady! And, for Chrissake,  don't make any more smart-ass remarks about freeloading illegals!”
            “Illegals?” Hillary had views on that too:“I remember babysitting the children for Mexican migrant workers in Chicago when I was eleven, and telling my mother: “You know,they’re just like we are.”
“Did you hear me say different?” said Donald Trump – “...rapists and criminals!” 

This nation was due a female leader, Hillary sulked, liberally branding one half of it as a "basket of deplorables", before cutting loose on a thoroughly "racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic" electorate - "you name it!"
“While my opponent slanders Americans as 'deplorable', I am proud to call them hard-working patriots!" Donald said, stating the obvious.
“Touché”, I added smoothly, at which she had the grace to flinch.
“What Donald Trump has said about our community – about Latinos, about immigrants – is not funny.”  Juan Escalanate, a campaigner who had flown all the way from Florida was not amused. “I here have an anti-Trump petition signed by 322,000 people. “There is a lesson in that.”
“What’s the lesson, prick?” Trump answered, “that’s 322,000 rapists with names and addresses.”
I sniffed the air delicately. My money was on The Donald!
Hillary shifted uncomfortably, it was her call to make. Her technique, of course, is well known: a vivid eyewitness account, unrivalled facts and the killer feature that no one else can match: “I remember landing under sniper fire,” she said. “I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t think; I just knew I had to keep running. And keep down, down. My blue flak jacket with big white litters proclaiming “Secretary of State”  was way too visible in the bleached [Bosnian] landscape.”
“I didn’t hear you,” Trump said. “Did you return fire?”
“I’m a presidential contender – I don’t use weapons,” Hillary said in a high, strangled voice.“But I heard the thump and whistle of a mortar, and soldiers were shouting at me: “Get down!”
“Duck!” Donald said.
“A rocket propelled grenade whooshed close enough to lift the hairs off the back of my neck and landed nearby in a sunburst of flame. I hurled myself into another irrigation ditch and crouched amid the tall reeds. Bullets kicked up the soil just above me. The Taliban had us from all sides.”[1]
“I say!” Trump observed.
“It still chills me,” Hillary said, looking like a woman who knows how to lie. She paused for a moment, as if a new thought had suddenly occurred to her.  “And I’ve news for you,” she said. “Islam is not our adversary. Let’s be clear. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism.”
“Allahu Akbar,” the Donald said, the trademark beam back in full force. “9/11, Fort Hood, San Bernardino, Orlando, or Paris, Brussels, Nice, Munich, Normandy - and again New York, New Jersey and Minnesota. Let's be clear, to solve a problem you first have to acknowledge it!”
The two public servants then deplored how modern security measures had made their use of a “home brew” email server[2] unsuitable for the modern interlocking network of information exchange – formerly a profitable, unaccountable and open system brimming with potentialities, now compromised by Chinese and Russian intelligence. What went wrong? Looking furtive, haunted, and extremely uncomfortable, Bill had the troubled manner of a man who has endured one botched potato harvest and is anticipating another. Always losing his keys and wearing odd socks, he was preoccupied with being "dead broke", confessing he’d adopted a strict vegan diet and, if Hillary didn't win this time round, was considering importing curry coat, ackee and saltfish for the black community. “I require financial assistance to maintain my household,” he explained.* Affectionately known as “Honest Bill” by his former associates, Bill had a long career in double-dealing.  People had to pull strings to get in with him. But since he could gain only if someone else lost, he was also suspected of having failed to divvy up the spoils.
Hillary’s eyes averted. As an obvious candidate for a grand jury subpoena, she had plainly decided to rise above all this.
“Nonsense,” Bill said, opening one bloodshot eye. Never having been above anything, he admitted, occasionally to have done something which might require clemency. "Although," he couldn’t help adding, “we never got our proper share, what we were supposed to get, That f****** J**, he kept everything. Money for nothin’ and chicks for free...”  To look at Bill, now wearing an entirely straight face, he didn’t seem capable of deception. Nor in need of forgiveness. But the one statistic he failed to mention was the amount of money pocketed by the charitable wing of the former first family, The Bill, Hillary & Chelsea Clinton Foundation.[3] "a formidable global empire worth nearly $ 2bn," which, in a letter signed by 64 members of Congress has also been described as a "lawless organisation that has been operating under a cloak of philanthropy for years and should be investigated."

To me, it all sounded rather reminiscent of Bill and Hillary’s claim that by voting them in, the American people would be getting “two for the price of one”. You gotta play for the breaks, it is said, and when you've got one - score! Hats off. The dog always returns to his vomit. And the monetary principle is key to the Clinton dynasty.** They may be lying a lot, but not, apparently, to each other. In their glory days the two of them would relax in the Oval Office and review their day's work over goblets of cold-bloodedness and a plate of raw liver, while Bill fondled the earlobes of his mistress. A scene famously repudiated in a TV-testimony to the nation that nearly helped him win an Oscar nomination [4] - “one of the great abusers of women in the world” – and still deemed matchless by aficionados. I remember that same cunning look. Nor do I know the truth or otherwise of the assertion made by Bill Clinton that at Oxford he smoked dope but never inhaled, but I find myself thinking that if that was the case, it would have been just like having sex with Monica - where by all accounts he never ejaculated.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Bill said when prompted. “It’s still up in the air!”
“There is only one way, then,” the Donald said brightly,  “and that’s down.”
“I categorically deny any sexual activity with whoever claims that I did have,” Bill was adamant. 
“Sometime it pays to be a little wild,” the Donald said, his tongue firmly in his cheek, "I get more pussy than you!"
And that's all it took. Never was lover less in haste!   

It is hard not to love America!

*Actually, having left the White House “all but  broke”, the Clintons have accumulated tens of millions of dollars. 
**According to the Washington Post, Clinton took home $ 17.6 million to serve as a consultant and “honorary chancellor” of the for-profit college company Laureate International Universities
 [1] ©Christina Lamb 2015. Hillary’s account of running across the tarmac at a Bosnian airport to avoid sniper fire was embarrassingly undermined by television footage showing her in a serene greeting ceremony receiving flowers from an eight-year-old girl.
[3] The Office of the Attorney General in the charity’s home state of Arkansas has meanwhile launched informal investigations into alleged accounting irregularities. 
[4] “I did not, repeat, did not have sexual relations with that woman”


*A civil case still pending  Malleus Maleficus is an advocate of English liberal democracy, and the  anonymous author of an historiographic apology of the British Empire. 


Marjorie Matthis said...

This may be overstating things a little, but brace yourselves, America. Trump is really happening! (...and it's all highly entertaining).

Roger B. Suther said...

I second that, here's a man who will say the unsayable, who keeps his public and private opinions undivided !!

Anonymous said...

What is fatal is that Americans are losing the faculty of speaking English

Justin M. said...

“The Times They Are A-Changin'”♫ ♬♪

Michael C. said...

This is a satirical masterpiece. I had my copy some months ago. Malleus is one of a small but growing number of Cassandras predicting the imminent demise of America's identity as a Western nation.And he's certainly earned the right to be taken seriously as a chronicler of organised stupidity. I commend Chapter 7 - The Battle for the Soul of the West. It's perfect, unrepeatable, dangerous.

Curtis H. said...

An extraordinary mix of social satire and reportage by an anonymous master. see my retweets. Absolutely delighted!!