The following is the unedited version of an exposé currently featured in the 55th updated revision of Malleus Maleficus, The Moonshine Memorandum. If you wish to report sexism, racism or inaccuracies, please email MalleusMaleficus@aol.com To make a formal complaint under IPSO rules please contact IPSO directly at ipso.co.uk
“I meant to look mean,” Donald said. “Right from
the start!” He looked at me savagely. “God knows how thankful I am for having
made a tremendous difference in this country. This country is so much stronger
now than it was when I took office that you wouldn’t believe it.”[4]
It’s hard not to love that man!
She had no thoughts on the subject, Hillary said
airily, and would merely confine herself
to be a crusader for women’s justice.
Someone, she added piously, who believes that survivors of sexual assault have
“the right to be heard” and the “right to be believed,” and went on to exhort
all survivors of sexual assault: “We’re with you.”
“You must be a comfort to Monica Lewinsky,”
Stormy said sunnily - at which Hillary gave her a hard stare.
Casting censorious, probing glances, Jorge Mario
Bergoglio held out a ringed hand for us to kiss and insisted that the universe was created by
God, and guided by the infallibility of men like himself. “May the Lord come to
the aid of our world torn by so many conflicts.... May He bring an end to the
violence where so much blood has already been shed.” Ever partial to the world’s deprived, the “People’s Pope” also went on to criticise
the American President, saying that “a person who thinks only about building
walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.”
Trump was dismissive. “The Vatican is surrounded
by walls.” he said, leaning forward confidentially. “And when they say the wall
is immoral, well then you better do something about the Vatican, because the
Vatican has the biggest wall of them all!”[5]
“There's only one thing to do,”
Boris Johnson said, “take down all the
gates and walls surrounding Vatican city.”[6]
“I don't understand why God all of a sudden
failed me so badly,” the Pontiff
pondered,
urging us to do more to help the destitute, migrants and
“freeloading illegals.” But contrary to what Donald Trump and a plethora of
Calvinists, Lutherans, politicians and other heretics would have you believe,
“the massive walls surrounding Vatican city” were not designed to keep illegals
at bay, but to keep domestic paedophiles[7]
under lock and key - making walls an
integral part of Vatican City’s moral structure.
The
Pontiff looked indignant:“Welcome to Sodoma,” he said, his face darkening.
“It’s
one huge closet!”[8] Having got that off his chest, the possessor
of the heavenly mandate added a pious gesture with the index and little finger
that Italians call a cornuto.[9]
“Freeloading Illegals?” Hillary had views on
that too:“I remember babysitting the children for Mexican migrant workers in
Chicago when I was eleven, and telling my mother: “You know, they’re just like
we are.”
“Did you hear me say different?” said Donald
Trump,”...rapists and criminals!”
“Doesn’t seem unreasonable,” Stormy muttered
thoughtfully. I’ve embarked on a countrywide stripping tour with scheduled
performances throughout the summer. Rapists are welcome. It’s a question of
national pride. As an outstanding, upright nation,” she added, savouring the
pun, “Porn should make America horny again.”
“I’m bated and breathless,” Pope Francis
confessed. “Sex has generated more cash than any other commodity at the world’s
profligacy store...” He looked at Stormy. Sex was the Sodom that God would
bring down for its wickedness, and the future, never so much as today, in the
hands of the Devil.
“No fucking way,” Stormy cut in. “Not if we stop
him first.”
Greta’s
lips moved in silent prayer: "We are in the beginning of a mass extinction
and all
you can talk about is money and fairytales of eternal economic growth.”
But Francis had the mien and manner of a man intent on deferring, without so
much as a backward glance, specific action. For that could be problematic.
Assuming liability for victims of child abuse by the Christian clergy could
bankrupt the entire catholic establishment.[10]
“I’m not
an angel, I’m your profligate working slut.” Stormy continued crisply.[11]
“Why
“Way
overrated!” Trump said.
“Behind
every great man,” Boris added, “there is a bevy of great woman. I've slept with
far fewer than one thousand and I do not believe I have been remotely sexist.”[12]
“You’re a true feminist icon!” Stormy gushed.
Boris looked at her. "A heart of gold and a snatch to match..."
Trump professed bewilderment. “You know, Boris,”
he said, seemingly dismayed, “my reputation is made. It is yours that is at
stake. I’m a survivalist. I may be the blabbiest person you’ve ever met, highly
promiscuous and totally self-obsessed,
but a man like yourself, who’s
had two wives, no less than three mistresses and at least one illegitimate
child, promising he will tell no lies, is not quite the same as telling the
whole truth.”
“Ah well,” Boris replied, “I’m a slut for this
sort of thing. My policy on cake is pro having it and pro eating it.”
Stormy's eyes averted. "I want your tongue in my crack!" She squeezed his hand
“Bit embarrassing, what!” Trump enquired
chattily. “Sneaky visits to Miss Arcuri’s office during the idle afternoons you
were acting mayor?[13]
“The perfect conversation starter,” Trump said
breezily. “Simply bending over does not guarantee the same results...”[14]
“Heavens, you guys just rock!” Stormy Daniels
looked rapturous: “Alexander the Great! I knew it was you."[15]
Boris gave her another smile. “How nice to be
remembered.”
“When are you resigning?” I said.
 |
| Blondes have more fun.... |
“Making
the most of it, no doubt!” Trump sniggered, “clearly, blondes have more fun!”[18]
Boris icily refused the compliment: “Let’s be
absolutely clear, I am very, very proud of everything that we did and certainly
everything that I did as mayor of London.”[19]
“Don’t
get the wrong impression,” Trump boomed. “I'm perfectly aware of exactly how
disreputable and newsworthy a rampant, runaway penis can be. But, as has been
stated by numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself.”[20]
Boris rolled his eyes for emphasis and effect.
“To give you credit, no other defendant has taken a similar line!” He looked
aside at me and added: "If we judged everybody by the stupid, unguarded
things they blurt out, then we wouldn't ever get anywhere.”[21]
“Nor has there ever been a time in the history
of our country that the media was so fraudulently fake, or corrupt!” Trump
decided.
Boris’ reply made matters quite clear: "It
is possible to have a pretty good life and career being a leech and a parasite
in the media world, gadding about from TV studio to TV studio, writing
inconsequential pieces and having a good time" - a subject
on which he was surely something of an expert.[22]
“It's nice to have an expert on call,” I
remarked, then took a deep breath. “Particularly so in view of the qualms of
British business leaders in relation to a hard Brexit!”
Boris wiped a smear of snot from his chin. “Fuck
business...!” he said.[23]
“No one can ever say you lack candour, Boris!”
Trump thought for a moment. “But the
fucking is over. If there's gonna be any
fuckin', it's gonna be you and me doin' it. We have that in common. Also a
contempt for democracy and a common responsibility for one of the most sordid chapters in modern
geo-political history.”
"It doesn't get bigger than that,” Boris
said. “The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk
gets, and he always escapes, no
matter how tightly bound he seems to be... and that is the case for my country.”[24]
“Well, then I fear for your country,” Hillary pulled
a face. “If anyone is pitching himself as the hero, I really worry,” she said.
“I always thought you a grandstander, like...” she pointed to Donald Trump,
“the kind of blowhard, blustering guy, always full of himself... with a total
disregard for facts.”[25]
“Fine with me,” Boris said, even though it
wasn’t.[26]
Donald Trump pondered that: “We deserve each
other! We both are larger-than-life populists who have made headlines for
extra-marital affairs and blatant racist comments. We are linked by
imperceptible threads of past misdemeanours, mutual admiration[27]
and complementary cunning. To be frank,” the President smiled in a liberal,
inclusive way, “I know a great presidential tradition when I’m apprised of one,
and Franklin Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy,
Lyndon B. Johnson, Bill Clinton and ‘known womanizer’ Reagan, were all serially
unfaithful. I’m sorry, but something is going on here!”
“The pursuit of happiness,” I
clarified. “It’s in the constitution.”
Boris resolved to be explicit: "I don't believe that being unfaithful
is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people
do with their free hands, like
nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children,
and so on!"[28]
“All the same,” Trump nodded, “your double
thigh-squeeze — that’s quite a signature move!”[29] And judging by his voice, it thrilled him
like a revelation.
“I was in a pretty tough spot,” Boris said,
looking straight into Greta’s eyes.
“You make it hard for a girl to say no!” Trump chuckled.
Greta studied the pair with a serene, baby-like
blankness. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Actually, there is,” Trump said brightly.
"We don't eat babes for breakfast, of course, but,” he added cheerfully,
"you seem like a very happy girl looking forward to a bright and wonderful
future, and there is always lunch or supper.” He cleared his throat. “One of
the main causes of the current #MeToo – ‘grab them by the p***y’ hysteria is that one is ‘never more than a few
paces away from a crestfallen wife or sobbing woman.’[30]
Women don’t believe in being seduced anymore, tempted, enticed, whatever. It’s
a disgrace. A real disgrace. It’s an attack on our country, in a true sense.
It’s an attack on what we all stand for. Above all, it’s an attack on
myself, America’s absolutely incredible
‘first porn president.’”[31]
Greta
jumped and let out a little squeak: "You have stolen my dreams and my
childhood with your empty words! People are suffering; people are dying;
entire ecosystems are
collapsing. How dare you?”
“Now, listen here” – Trump went over and lifted
her chin, “that’s all a hoax, it’s all one big hoax!”
“Hold it,”
I said protectively. “Let’s keep this civilized, lest we all have coronaries!”
“I don’t
have coronaries,” Trump said, “I cause them!”
"Bastard!" yelled Greta, slurping
her milkshake.
Hillary
shifted uncomfortably. It was her call to make. Her technique, of course, is
well known: a vivid eyewitness account, unrivalled facts and the killer feature
that no one else can match: “I remember landing under sniper fire,” she said.
“I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t think; I just knew I had to keep running. And
keep down, down. My blue flak jacket with big white letters proclaiming
“Secretary of State” was way too visible
in the bleached [Bosnian]
landscape.”
“I didn’t hear you,” Trump said. “Did you return
fire?”
“I happened to be the US Secretary of State – I
don’t use weapons,” Hillary said in a high, strangled voice.”But I heard the
thump and whistle of a mortar, and soldiers were shouting at me: “Get down!”
“Duck!” Donald said.
“A rocket propelled grenade whooshed close
enough to lift the hairs off the back of my neck and landed nearby in a
sunburst of flame. I hurled myself into another irrigation ditch and crouched
amid the tall reeds. Bullets kicked up the soil just above me. The Taliban had
us from all sides.”[32]
“I say!” Trump observed.
“It still chills me,” Hillary said, looking like
a woman who knows how to lie.[33] She paused for a moment, as if a new thought
had suddenly occurred to her. “And I’ve
news for you,” she said. “Islam is not our adversary. Let’s be clear. Muslims
are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with
terrorism.”[34]
Hats off! The dog always returns to his vomit.
The Clintons may have been lying a
lot, but not, apparently, to each other.
Perverted doesn’t quite cover it. Harvey Weinstein is perverted. Bill is
warped. In his brazen soul lies a capacity for chutzpah that defies us
all. A fact notoriously laid bare in a
TV-testimony to the nation that nearly helped him win an Oscar - “I
did not, repeat, did not have sexual relations with that woman!” – and
still
deemed matchless by aficionados. I mean, who can forget Monica Lewinsky’s
semen-stained dress? To say nothing of the “philandering, pot-smoking draft
dodger’s”[35]
liaisons with Paula Jones and Juanita Broaddrick. Nor do I know the truth or otherwise of the
assertion made by Bill Clinton that at Oxford he smoked dope but never inhaled,
but I find myself thinking that if that was the case, it would have been just
like having sex with Monica - where by all accounts he never ejaculated.
“I would have if I could have, but I didn’t,”
Bill said when prompted: “I tried like hell, but I didn’t.”[36]
“I wouldn't know,” Boris lied. “I never tried. I think I was once given
cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been
icing sugar.”[37]
“I don’t
want to talk about it,” Bill shrugged. “It’s still up in the air!”
“There is only one way, then,” the Donald said
brightly, “and that’s down.”
“I
categorically deny any sexual activity with whoever claims that I did have.”Bill
was adamant.
But, already knee-deep in mud, Hillary kept
digging: “How could sixty-two million people vote for someone they heard
bragging about repeated sexual assaults?” she fumed. “How could he attack
women, immigrants, Muslims, Mexican Americans, prisoners of war and people with
disabilities, and still be elected to the most important and powerful job in
the world?”
“He’s trying to destroy the world,” Greta yelped, before
bursting into tears.
Trump nodded sombrely. “Melania, too, she wept,
and not with joy, “ he said, “at my
election victory. But allow me to suggest that the very implausibility of my
own candidacy was the strongest argument for its success!” He paused
significantly: “You know, I’ve won 18 club championships.[38]
I’m a winner. I went to a school for gifted children, was the highest-ranking
student at my high-school, finished top of my economics class at the Wharton Business
School of the University of Pennsylvania, annihilated sixteen opponents in the
primaries, and...” he paused again before adding: “am the healthiest individual
ever elected to the presidency.” Nor were there any denials, modest or
otherwise, of rumours that he had once described dodging venereal disease as
his “personal Vietnam,” or that his
presidency was bound to qualify him “as not just smart, but genius...and a very
stable genius at that!”
[1] “First they make us pay in our taxes for Greek olive
groves, many of which probably don’t exist. Then they say we can’t dip our
bread in olive oil in restaurants. We didn’t join the Common Market – betraying
the New Zealanders and their butter – in order to be told when, where and how
we must eat the olive oil we have been forced to subsidise.”
[2] Or, as she elegantly put it: “We have to acknowledge
that the older generations have failed. All political movements in their
present form have failed. But homo
sapiens have not yet failed. Yes, we are failing, but there is still time
to turn everything around.”
[3] According to two Italian journalists, Gianluigi Nuzzi
and Emiliano Fittipaldi, accused of leaking and publishing confidential Vatican
documents.
[4] Federal debt held by the (American) public is now at
its highest level since just after the Second World War: 78% of gross domestic
product. If current laws are unchanged, it will be 100% by the end of the next
decade and 152% by 2048 — a number without precedent even in time of world war.
Niall Ferguson. The Sunday Times 25.11.18.
[5] Trump: The Vatican has a wall, so how can one on the
US border be immoral? David Garner. US Correspondent. Evening Standard
03.01.2019.
[6] Boris Johnson, in the early messiah phase of his
political accession, has also stated in
an article in the New York Times that Upper California, Arizona, New Mexico and
Texas should be returned to the United States of Mexico, in exchange for that
country funding a border wall north of these territories.
[7] Another Huge Vatican Linked Paedophile Ring Has Been
Exposed. Arjun Walia. Alternative News 07.03.18.
[8] One insider claimed 80% of its population was gay. Sarah
Baxter. Sex abuse will plague the Vatican until priests are free to marry The
Sunday Times 03.03.19.
[9] Last year a former top Vatican diplomat in America,
Carlo Maria Vigano, sensationally claimed that Pope Francis had joined senior
clergy in covering up child abuse.
[10]
After a report exposed the sexual abuse of tens
of thousands of children in Catholic institutions, the Catholic Christian
Brothers promised £ 145m in cash and land in compensation to victims of Irish
clergy. As another example, the
Pennsylvania Supreme Court released the report of a two-year investigation into
a church cover up of the abuse of at least 1,000 children by more than 300
priests in that state. More recently, Catholic dioceses throughout Texas
identified 286 priests credibly accused of sexually abusing minors as far back
as 1941.
[11] Judge Samuel Otero has meanwhile dismissed Stormy
Daniel’s lawsuit against Donald Trump and ordered her to
pay legal costs.
[12] On “sex” Boris stated: "I've slept with far fewer
than 1,000." And whether or not he was disrespectful and patronising towards
female assembly members, he said: ‘I have not been more robust towards female
rather than male assembly members and I do not believe I have been remotely
sexist’.
[13] The blonde leading the blond: Jennifer Arcuri and the PM were lovers before she became a
regular on trade missions. George Arbuthnott, Jonathan Calvert, Gabriel
Pogrund. The Sunday Times, September 29, 2019.
[14] Arcuri also confided that she had invited Boris
Johnson to ‘have a go’ on the pole,
which she used for fitness and found to be a good ‘conversation starter’.
[15] Jennifer Arcuri admitted using the codename Alexander
the Great when discussing Boris with friends.
[16] It is one of four official investigations into the
scandal that Arcuri was given public money by a body under Johnson’s control
and privileged access to three of his official overseas trade missions in a
year — none of which she was eligible for. Twice, Johnson’s team over-ruled
officials’ decision not to include her. Insight Investigation. The Sunday
Times, September 29, 2019.
[17] The American said she initially bonded with Mr Johnson
over a shared love of Shakespeare and classic literature, and had to meet in
private because so many people wanted selfies with him.
[18] Sources claim that Arcuri would do nothing to shoot
down jokes about her links to Johnson but would quip that “blondes have more
fun.”
[19] Arcuri was a 27-year-old student when Johnson is said
to have endorsed her for the post, which was intended for “proven business
leaders.” Arcuri later wrote of the episode: “I still have the letter of rec
from Boris. Hahaha. To think that we asked him to write us a recommendation for
the CEO of Tech City is just hysterical.” The Sunday Times, October 6, 2019.
[20] TWITTER @RealDonaldTrump: As has been stated by
numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself, but why
would I do that when I have done nothing wrong? April 5, 2018.
[21] Boris Johnson interview: “My advice to David Cameron.”
[22] Boris to Piers Morgan, reminiscing on being a journalist..
[23] Days later, at a leadership hustings in Birmingham,
Boris Johnson told Tory members the four-letter intervention had been aimed at
“powerful lobby groups who wanted to have a particular type of exit, or
non-exit, from the European Union.”
[24] Johnson, comparing himself to the green giant, vows to
‘escape’ the EU. The Sunday Times, September 15, 2019.
[25] Hillary Clinton fears for Britain under ‘Blowhard
Boris’ Johnson.
Rosamund
Urwin. The Sunday Times, October 13, 2019.
[26] While standing as the Conservative candidate for Mayor
of London in the 2008 election, Boris jibed at then-Senator Hillary Clinton by
saying: “She’s got dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare,
like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital!”
[27] As if Trump didn’t know that Boris once described him
as “betraying a quite stupefying ignorance that makes him frankly unfit to hold
the office of President of the United States.”
[28] Boris on using a mobile phone whilst driving.
[29] “Under the table, I feel Johnson’s hand on my thigh.
He gives it a squeeze. His hand is high up my leg and he has enough inner flesh
beneath his fingers to make me sit suddenly upright. Afterwards, I confide in
the young woman on his other side. She replies: “Oh God, he did exactly the
same to me.” Charlotte Edwardes on Boris Johnson’s wandering hands. Style
Magazine. The Sunday Times, September 29, 2019.
[30] Camilla Long, Beware Boris. The Sunday Times,
September 29, 2019.
[31] © The New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.
[32] ©Christina Lamb. This is an account of her own
experience in 2015.
[33] Hillary’s account of running across the tarmac at a
Bosnian airport to avoid sniper fire was embarrassingly undermined by
television footage showing her in a serene greeting ceremony receiving flowers
from an eight-year-old girl.
[34] According to the Global Extremism Monitor, about
84,000 people — nearly 22,000 of them civilians — died as a result of violence
by Islamist groups in 2017. The report counts 7,841 attacks in 48 countries,
with Syria the country worst affected. An alternative estimate comes from the
US National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism
(Start). In 2017 there were 10,900 terrorist attacks around the world, which
killed more than 26,400 people. The top three perpetrators were Isis (7,120
deaths), the Taliban (4,925) and al-Shabaab (1,894). Niall Ferguson. The Sunday
Times 24.03.19.
[35] © Mary Matalin, a Republican spokeswoman
[36] See The Magazine
Interview. Josh Glancy. The Sunday Times Magazine 03.05.18.
[37] Independent, June 11, 2019.
[38] “Of 18 club championship ‘wins’ that Trump listed for
Golf Digest, 12 are actually senior or super senior club championships — at
most clubs reserved for players aged 60 and older. They’re like bowling with
bumpers.” Rick Reilly, Commander in
Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump (Headline 2019).
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