Thursday 7 November 2019

THE UN CLIMATE-ACTION SUMMIT - Boris Johnson meets Donald Trump...

The following is the unedited version of an exposé currently featured in the 55th updated revision of Malleus Maleficus, The Moonshine Memorandum. If you wish to report sexism, racism or inaccuracies, please email  To make a formal complaint under IPSO rules please contact IPSO directly at

There were signs of intensive security everywhere. Cars were stopped and searched at roadblocks.  You know the drill. The UN climate action summit was by all accounts a massive exercise. But first there was some unfinished business. For there were perhaps half a dozen of us who met at the entrance of  the General Assembly Hall. The very Stormy Daniels, ex-Playboy Playmate and porn actress,  to whom I owe all my first-hand knowledge of the leading internet Sexbots, and the former attorney-general of Arkansas  - and suspected rapist - Bill Clinton; together with the former first lady Hillary, and a mutual tendency to lie, fantasise and exaggerate.
Not unlike an omnipotent thug, someone who likes throwing his weight around, Boris Johnson was also there, dressed in an ill-fitting suit and backing a No-Deal-Brexit.[1]  He
was  joined by Greta Thunberg, the teenage ingénue and environmental activist, ostensibly there to address the UN on issues concerning climate change, but really, if you ask me, to  share the most absurdly asinine hype[2] with Jorge Mario Bergoglio  - the 266th and current Pope. Contrasting Boris’ insouciant thuggery with the Pope’s solemn show of earnestness,  the Holy Father’s presence was a gift to the UN from the Public Relations division of the Vatican  -  a special mark of papal goodwill. For it is worth bearing in mind that - as a journalistic colleague put it    the average price for having yourself declared a saint is a mere € 500,000.[3]             
I went with Donald Trump, a man widely  detested as someone who seeks to build a reputation for himself by contriving to demolish the status of others. The disadvantage of “The Donald” being, that while speech is the pivot on which all freedom turns, being honest has a rather rat-like bite to its reputation.
“I meant to look mean,” Donald said. “Right from the start!” He looked at me savagely. “God knows how thankful I am for having made a tremendous difference in this country. This country is so much stronger now than it was when I took office that you wouldn’t believe it.”[4]
It’s hard not to love that man!
She had no thoughts on the subject, Hillary said airily, and would merely confine herself
to be a crusader for women’s justice. Someone, she added piously, who believes that survivors of sexual assault have “the right to be heard” and the “right to be believed,” and went on to exhort all survivors of sexual assault: “We’re with you.”
“You must be a comfort to Monica Lewinsky,” Stormy said sunnily - at which Hillary gave her a hard stare.
Casting censorious, probing glances, Jorge Mario Bergoglio held out a ringed hand for us to kiss and  insisted that the universe was created by God, and guided by the infallibility of men like himself. “May the Lord come to the aid of our world torn by so many conflicts.... May He bring an end to the
violence where so much blood has already been shed.”  Ever partial to the world’s deprived,  the “People’s Pope” also went on to criticise the American President, saying that “a person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian.”
Trump was dismissive. “The Vatican is surrounded by walls.” he said, leaning forward confidentially. “And when they say the wall is immoral, well then you better do something about the Vatican, because the Vatican has the biggest wall of them all!”[5]
“There's only one thing to do,” Boris  Johnson said, “take down all the gates and walls surrounding Vatican city.”[6]
“I don't understand why God all of a sudden failed me so badly,” the Pontiff  pondered,
urging us to do more to help the destitute, migrants and “freeloading illegals.” But contrary to what Donald Trump and a plethora of Calvinists, Lutherans, politicians and other heretics would have you believe, “the massive walls surrounding Vatican city” were not designed to keep illegals at bay,  but  to keep domestic paedophiles[7] under lock and key -  making walls an integral part of Vatican City’s moral structure.

 The Pontiff looked indignant:“Welcome to Sodoma,” he said, his face darkening. “It’s
one huge closet!”[8]  Having got that off his chest, the possessor of the heavenly mandate added a pious gesture with the index and little finger that Italians call a cornuto.[9]
“Freeloading Illegals?” Hillary had views on that too:“I remember babysitting the children for Mexican migrant workers in Chicago when I was eleven, and telling my mother: “You know, they’re just like we are.”
“Did you hear me say different?” said Donald Trump,”...rapists and criminals!”

“Doesn’t seem unreasonable,” Stormy muttered thoughtfully. I’ve embarked on a countrywide stripping tour with scheduled performances throughout the summer. Rapists are welcome. It’s a question of national pride. As an outstanding, upright nation,” she added, savouring the pun, “Porn should make America horny again.”
“I’m bated and breathless,” Pope Francis confessed. “Sex has generated more cash than any other commodity at the world’s profligacy store...” He looked at Stormy. Sex was the Sodom that God would bring down for its wickedness, and the future, never so much as today, in the hands of the Devil. 
“No fucking way,” Stormy cut in. “Not if we stop him first.”
 Greta’s lips moved in silent prayer: "We are in the beginning of a mass extinction and all
you can talk about is money and fairytales of eternal economic growth.” But Francis had the mien and manner of a man intent on deferring, without so much as a backward glance, specific action. For that could be problematic. Assuming liability for victims of child abuse by the Christian clergy could bankrupt the entire catholic establishment.[10]
 “I’m not an angel, I’m your profligate working slut.” Stormy continued crisply.[11] “Why
should I keep my legs together?”
 “Way overrated!” Trump said.
 “Behind every great man,” Boris added, “there is a bevy of great woman. I've slept with far fewer than one thousand and I do not believe I have been remotely sexist.”[12]
“You’re a true feminist icon!” Stormy gushed.
Boris looked at her. "A heart of gold and a snatch to match..."  
Trump professed bewilderment. “You know, Boris,” he said, seemingly dismayed, “my reputation is made. It is yours that is at stake. I’m a survivalist. I may be the blabbiest person you’ve ever met, highly promiscuous and totally self-obsessed,  but a man like yourself,  who’s had two wives, no less than three mistresses and at least one illegitimate child, promising he will tell no lies, is not quite the same as telling the whole truth.”
“Ah well,” Boris replied, “I’m a slut for this sort of thing. My policy on cake is pro having it and pro eating it.”
Stormy's eyes averted. "I want your tongue in my crack!" She squeezed his hand
“Bit embarrassing, what!” Trump enquired chattily. “Sneaky visits to Miss Arcuri’s office during the idle afternoons you were acting mayor?[13]
“Well, there, old bean,” Boris admitted, "her skirt hiked up to her crotch, the office also featured a pole-dancing bar!”
“The perfect conversation starter,” Trump said breezily. “Simply bending over does not guarantee the same results...”[14]
“Heavens, you guys just rock!” Stormy Daniels looked rapturous: “Alexander the Great! I knew it was you."[15]
Boris gave her another smile. “How nice to be remembered.”
“When are you resigning?” I said.
Blondes have more fun....
It didn't seem to startle Boris. “I’ll walk the walk on this,” he declared.[16] “We actually only bonded  over a shared love of Shakespeare and classic literature.”[17] He leaned forward, maintaining the advantage. “And I’ll have you know that Jennifer was also invited to Buckingham Palace for a reception hosted by the Duke of York.”
 “Making the most of it, no doubt!” Trump sniggered, “clearly, blondes have more fun!”[18]
Boris icily refused the compliment: “Let’s be absolutely clear, I am very, very proud of everything that we did and certainly everything that I did as mayor of London.”[19]
 “Don’t get the wrong impression,” Trump boomed. “I'm perfectly aware of exactly how
disreputable and newsworthy a rampant, runaway penis can be. But, as has been stated by numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself.”[20]
Boris rolled his eyes for emphasis and effect. “To give you credit, no other defendant has taken a similar line!” He looked aside at me and added: "If we judged everybody by the stupid, unguarded things they blurt out, then we wouldn't ever get anywhere.”[21]
“Nor has there ever been a time in the history of our country that the media was so fraudulently fake, or corrupt!” Trump decided.
Boris’ reply made matters quite clear: "It is possible to have a pretty good life and career being a leech and a parasite in the media world, gadding about from TV studio to TV studio, writing inconsequential pieces and having a good time" - a subject on which he was surely something of an expert.[22]
“It's nice to have an expert on call,” I remarked, then took a deep breath. “Particularly so in view of the qualms of British business leaders in relation to a hard Brexit!”
Boris wiped a smear of snot from his chin. “Fuck business...!” he said.[23]
“No one can ever say you lack candour, Boris!” Trump thought for a moment. “But the
fucking is over. If there's gonna be any fuckin', it's gonna be you and me doin' it. We have that in common. Also a contempt for democracy and a common responsibility for one of the most sordid chapters in modern geo-political history.”
"It doesn't get bigger than that,” Boris said. “The madder Hulk gets, the stronger Hulk
gets, and he always escapes, no matter how tightly bound he seems to be... and that is the case for my country.”[24]
“Well, then I fear for your country,” Hillary pulled a face. “If anyone is pitching himself as the hero, I really worry,” she said. “I always thought you a grandstander, like...” she pointed to Donald Trump, “the kind of blowhard, blustering guy, always full of himself... with a total disregard for facts.”[25]
“Fine with me,” Boris said, even though it wasn’t.[26]
Donald Trump pondered that: “We deserve each other! We both are larger-than-life populists who have made headlines for extra-marital affairs and blatant racist comments. We are linked by imperceptible threads of past misdemeanours, mutual admiration[27] and complementary cunning. To be frank,” the President smiled in a liberal, inclusive way, “I know a great presidential tradition when I’m apprised of one, and  Franklin Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Lyndon B. Johnson, Bill Clinton and ‘known womanizer’ Reagan, were all serially unfaithful. I’m sorry, but something is going on here!”
“The pursuit of happiness,” I clarified. “It’s in the constitution.”
Boris resolved to be explicit: "I don't believe that being unfaithful is necessarily any more dangerous than the many other risky things that people do with their free hands, like  nose-picking, reading the paper, studying the A-Z, beating the children, and so on!"[28]
“All the same,” Trump nodded, “your double thigh-squeeze — that’s quite a signature move!”[29] And judging by his voice, it thrilled him like a revelation.
“I was in a pretty tough spot,” Boris said, looking straight into Greta’s eyes.
“You make it hard for a girl to say no!”  Trump chuckled.
Greta studied the pair with a serene, baby-like blankness. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Actually, there is,” Trump said brightly. "We don't eat babes for breakfast, of course, but,” he added cheerfully, "you seem like a very happy girl looking forward to a bright and wonderful future, and there is always lunch or supper.” He cleared his throat. “One of the main causes of the current #MeToo – ‘grab them by the p***y’  hysteria is that one is ‘never more than a few paces away from a crestfallen wife or sobbing woman.’[30] Women don’t believe in being seduced anymore, tempted, enticed, whatever. It’s a disgrace. A real disgrace. It’s an attack on our country, in a true sense. It’s an attack on what we all stand for. Above all, it’s an attack on myself,  America’s absolutely incredible ‘first porn president.’”[31]
  Greta jumped and let out a little squeak: "You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words! People are suffering; people are dying; entire ecosystems are
collapsing. How dare you?”
“Now, listen here” – Trump went over and lifted her chin, “that’s all a hoax, it’s all one big hoax!”
 “Hold it,” I said protectively. “Let’s keep this civilized, lest we all have coronaries!”
 “I don’t have coronaries,” Trump said, “I cause them!”
 "Bastard!" yelled Greta, slurping her milkshake.
   Hillary shifted uncomfortably. It was her call to make. Her technique, of course, is well known: a vivid eyewitness account, unrivalled facts and the killer feature that no one else can match: “I remember landing under sniper fire,” she said. “I couldn’t breathe; I couldn’t think; I just knew I had to keep running. And keep down, down. My blue flak jacket with big white letters proclaiming “Secretary of State”  was way too visible in the bleached [Bosnian]
“I didn’t hear you,” Trump said. “Did you return fire?”
“I happened to be the US Secretary of State – I don’t use weapons,” Hillary said in a high, strangled voice.”But I heard the thump and whistle of a mortar, and soldiers were shouting at me: “Get down!”
“Duck!” Donald said.
“A rocket propelled grenade whooshed close enough to lift the hairs off the back of my neck and landed nearby in a sunburst of flame. I hurled myself into another irrigation ditch and crouched amid the tall reeds. Bullets kicked up the soil just above me. The Taliban had us from all sides.”[32]
“I say!” Trump observed.
“It still chills me,” Hillary said, looking like a woman who knows how to lie.[33]  She paused for a moment, as if a new thought had suddenly occurred to her.  “And I’ve news for you,” she said. “Islam is not our adversary. Let’s be clear. Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism.”[34]
Hats off! The dog always returns to his vomit. The Clintons  may have been lying a lot,  but not, apparently, to each other. Perverted doesn’t quite cover it. Harvey Weinstein is perverted. Bill is warped. In his brazen soul lies a capacity for chutzpah that defies us all.  A fact notoriously laid bare in a TV-testimony to the nation that nearly helped him win an Oscar  - “I did not, repeat, did not have sexual relations with that woman!” – and still
deemed matchless by aficionados. I mean, who can forget Monica Lewinsky’s semen-stained dress? To say nothing of the “philandering, pot-smoking draft dodger’s”[35] liaisons with Paula Jones and Juanita Broaddrick.  Nor do I know the truth or otherwise of the assertion made by Bill Clinton that at Oxford he smoked dope but never inhaled, but I find myself thinking that if that was the case, it would have been just like having sex with Monica - where by all accounts he never ejaculated.
“I would have if I could have, but I didn’t,” Bill said when prompted: “I tried like hell, but I didn’t.”[36]
“I wouldn't know,” Boris lied. “I never tried. I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.”[37]
 “I don’t want to talk about it,” Bill shrugged. “It’s still up in the air!”
“There is only one way, then,” the Donald said brightly,  “and that’s down.”
 “I categorically deny any sexual activity with whoever claims that I did have.”Bill was adamant. 
But, already knee-deep in mud, Hillary kept digging: “How could sixty-two million people vote for someone they heard bragging about repeated sexual assaults?” she fumed. “How could he attack women, immigrants, Muslims, Mexican Americans, prisoners of war and people with disabilities, and still be elected to the most important and powerful job in the world?”
“He’s trying to destroy the world,” Greta yelped, before bursting into tears.
Trump nodded sombrely. “Melania, too, she wept, and  not with joy, “ he said, “at my election victory. But allow me to suggest that the very implausibility of my own candidacy was the strongest argument for its success!” He paused significantly: “You know, I’ve won 18 club championships.[38] I’m a winner. I went to a school for gifted children, was the highest-ranking student at my high-school, finished top of my economics class at the Wharton Business School of the University of Pennsylvania, annihilated sixteen opponents in the primaries, and...” he paused again before adding: “am the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” Nor were there any denials, modest or otherwise, of rumours that he had once described dodging venereal disease as his “personal Vietnam,” or  that his presidency was bound to qualify him “as not just smart, but genius...and a very stable genius at that!” 

[1] “First they make us pay in our taxes for Greek olive groves, many of which probably don’t exist. Then they say we can’t dip our bread in olive oil in restaurants. We didn’t join the Common Market – betraying the New Zealanders and their butter – in order to be told when, where and how we must eat the olive oil we have been forced to subsidise.”
[2] Or, as she elegantly put it: “We have to acknowledge that the older generations have failed. All political movements in their present form have failed. But homo sapiens have not yet failed. Yes, we are failing, but there is still time to turn everything around.”
[3] According to two Italian journalists, Gianluigi Nuzzi and Emiliano Fittipaldi, accused of leaking and publishing confidential Vatican documents.
[4] Federal debt held by the (American) public is now at its highest level since just after the Second World War: 78% of gross domestic product. If current laws are unchanged, it will be 100% by the end of the next decade and 152% by 2048 — a number without precedent even in time of world war. Niall Ferguson. The Sunday Times 25.11.18.
[5] Trump: The Vatican has a wall, so how can one on the US border be immoral? David Garner. US Correspondent. Evening Standard 03.01.2019.
[6] Boris Johnson, in the early messiah phase of his political accession,  has also stated in an article in the New York Times that Upper California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas should be returned to the United States of Mexico, in exchange for that country funding a border wall north of these territories.
[7] Another Huge Vatican Linked Paedophile Ring Has Been Exposed. Arjun Walia. Alternative News 07.03.18.
[8] One insider claimed 80% of its population was gay. Sarah Baxter. Sex abuse will plague the Vatican until priests are free to marry The Sunday Times 03.03.19.
[9] Last year a former top Vatican diplomat in America, Carlo Maria Vigano, sensationally claimed that Pope Francis had joined senior clergy in covering up child abuse.
[10] After a report exposed the sexual abuse of tens of thousands of children in Catholic institutions, the Catholic Christian Brothers promised £ 145m in cash and land in compensation to victims of Irish clergy. As another example,  the Pennsylvania Supreme Court released the report of a two-year investigation into a church cover up of the abuse of at least 1,000 children by more than 300 priests in that state. More recently, Catholic dioceses throughout Texas identified 286 priests credibly accused of sexually abusing minors as far back as 1941.
[11] Judge Samuel Otero has meanwhile dismissed Stormy Daniel’s  lawsuit  against Donald Trump and ordered her to pay  legal costs.
[12] On “sex” Boris stated: "I've slept with far fewer than 1,000." And whether or not he was disrespectful and patronising towards female assembly members, he said: ‘I have not been more robust towards female rather than male assembly members and I do not believe I have been remotely sexist’.
[13] The blonde leading the blond: Jennifer Arcuri  and the PM were lovers before she became a regular on trade missions. George Arbuthnott, Jonathan Calvert, Gabriel Pogrund. The Sunday Times, September 29, 2019.
[14] Arcuri also confided that she had invited Boris Johnson  to ‘have a go’ on the pole, which she used for fitness and found to be a good ‘conversation starter’.
[15] Jennifer Arcuri admitted using the codename Alexander the Great when discussing Boris with friends.
[16] It is one of four official investigations into the scandal that Arcuri was given public money by a body under Johnson’s control and privileged access to three of his official overseas trade missions in a year — none of which she was eligible for. Twice, Johnson’s team over-ruled officials’ decision not to include her. Insight Investigation. The Sunday Times, September 29, 2019.
[17] The American said she initially bonded with Mr Johnson over a shared love of Shakespeare and classic literature, and had to meet in private because so many people wanted selfies with him.
[18] Sources claim that Arcuri would do nothing to shoot down jokes about her links to Johnson but would quip that “blondes have more fun.”
[19] Arcuri was a 27-year-old student when Johnson is said to have endorsed her for the post, which was intended for “proven business leaders.” Arcuri later wrote of the episode: “I still have the letter of rec from Boris. Hahaha. To think that we asked him to write us a recommendation for the CEO of Tech City is just hysterical.” The Sunday Times, October 6, 2019.
[20] TWITTER @RealDonaldTrump: As has been stated by numerous legal scholars, I have the absolute right to PARDON myself, but why would I do that when I have done nothing wrong? April 5, 2018.
[21] Boris Johnson interview: “My advice to David Cameron.”
[22] Boris to Piers Morgan, reminiscing  on being a journalist..
[23] Days later, at a leadership hustings in Birmingham, Boris Johnson told Tory members the four-letter intervention had been aimed at “powerful lobby groups who wanted to have a particular type of exit, or non-exit, from the European Union.”
[24] Johnson, comparing himself to the green giant, vows to ‘escape’ the EU. The Sunday Times, September 15, 2019.
[25] Hillary Clinton fears for Britain under ‘Blowhard Boris’ Johnson.
Rosamund Urwin. The Sunday Times, October 13, 2019.
[26] While standing as the Conservative candidate for Mayor of London in the 2008 election, Boris jibed at then-Senator Hillary Clinton by saying: “She’s got dyed blonde hair and pouty lips, and a steely blue stare, like a sadistic nurse in a mental hospital!”
[27] As if Trump didn’t know that Boris once described him as “betraying a quite stupefying ignorance that makes him frankly unfit to hold the office of President of the United States.”
[28] Boris on using a mobile phone whilst driving.
[29] “Under the table, I feel Johnson’s hand on my thigh. He gives it a squeeze. His hand is high up my leg and he has enough inner flesh beneath his fingers to make me sit suddenly upright. Afterwards, I confide in the young woman on his other side. She replies: “Oh God, he did exactly the same to me.” Charlotte Edwardes on Boris Johnson’s wandering hands. Style Magazine. The Sunday Times, September 29, 2019.
[30] Camilla Long, Beware Boris. The Sunday Times, September 29, 2019.
[31] © The New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd.
[32] ©Christina Lamb. This is an account of her own experience in 2015.
[33] Hillary’s account of running across the tarmac at a Bosnian airport to avoid sniper fire was embarrassingly undermined by television footage showing her in a serene greeting ceremony receiving flowers from an eight-year-old girl.
[34] According to the Global Extremism Monitor, about 84,000 people — nearly 22,000 of them civilians — died as a result of violence by Islamist groups in 2017. The report counts 7,841 attacks in 48 countries, with Syria the country worst affected. An alternative estimate comes from the US National Consortium for the Study of Terrorism and Responses to Terrorism (Start). In 2017 there were 10,900 terrorist attacks around the world, which killed more than 26,400 people. The top three perpetrators were Isis (7,120 deaths), the Taliban (4,925) and al-Shabaab (1,894). Niall Ferguson. The Sunday Times 24.03.19.
[35] © Mary Matalin, a Republican spokeswoman
[36] See The Magazine Interview. Josh Glancy. The Sunday Times Magazine 03.05.18.
[37] Independent, June 11, 2019.
[38] “Of 18 club championship ‘wins’ that Trump listed for Golf Digest, 12 are actually senior or super senior club championships — at most clubs reserved for players aged 60 and older. They’re like bowling with bumpers.” Rick Reilly,  Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump (Headline 2019).

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