CANNIBALISM...!

The phenomenon that is Spam has always seemed a strange business to me. There has never been a shortage of wacky ideas. But, the way I look at it, trawling through e-mail keeps me abreast of weird things on the web. I read everything. There are websites that explain how not to pay your television license and others, more charmingly, which tell about dildos, ball-bearings, penis extensions, how to commit suicide and the availability of teenage virgins. Not that there is a lot of competition in the last category.

I should know, I used to be one.

Though I must confess that, in all honesty, I am presently searching the internet for a young man willing to be eaten. Culinary cannibalism, as you may or may not know, is now completely mainstream, much in vogue among wealthy young men with nothing better to do. More of a male than a female thing, apparently. Significantly, though feminists have long regarded women as men’s victims, Herr Armin Meiwes, the famous German cannibal, claimed he was never much drawn to dining on females. I know, for many of you, that's a disappointment, though, astonishingly, hundreds of men volunteered when he advertised for a suitable subject. Including, if I’ve got this right, Dennis Nielsen, the necrophiliac from Muswell Hill, who was convicted of six murders in the early 1980s.

My best friend Alice, too, seems to have toyed with the idea. When shopping for men, she says, avoid the urge to bite them. Which seems kind of Freudian to me. Indeed, it may seem rather extraordinary, but what we once considered acts of suicidal mutilation have now become a culinary lifestyle choice. One can sympathise, of course. There appears to have been no specific legislation in Germany governing the act of cannibalism. It is very worrying. But it's not an ethical question. Male genitals served with horseradish cream rather than Dijon mayonnaise, apparently make a remarkably lively dish, and even though dining on other people’s body parts is a freaky concept, once the toes are cooked to perfection, they are, I’m told, a delicatessen to the true hominis connoisseur.

Gunther von Hagen’s Body World tour drew millions to savour his ’plastinated’ corpses. You may well have seen it. Though it can’t have been much fun for Professor Hagen and his entourage, it’s been profitable. Which is precisely why the London Science Museum is planning to introduce a new salacious exhibit to its controversial adults-only wing: a decomposing human body in a glass box. These things can cause a lot of excitement. Besides, cannibalism is not on the list of seven sins drawn up by Pope Gregory the Great in the 6th century. So if you are serious about the enterprise do some research. And I am not making this up. The internet Cannibal Cafe is a cosy, very lunchy sort of place full of cognoscenti with its relaxed gourmet style cachet and its smart feel of young trendies eschewing McDonald’s as a natural life-style choice. And although I love to eat out anywhere from New York, London, Paris to Rome or Mumbai, I haven't yet found anything to match that kind of repertoire. Though, obviously, only those with strong stomachs are recommended to come here. And if you have a large rear-end, a big chest or a prominent belly, make sure not to take part other than from the neck up (there have been claims by New Guinea cannibals that the brain is not good to eat) and include plenty of fruit and vegetables to provide anti-oxidant vitamins.

Bon appetit...

Mademoiselle Dreamy