Tuesday, 12 July 2016

The Defender of Faiths..."Have you come far?"

The following is the unedited version of an exposé currently featured in the 27th revised edition of Malleus Maleficus The Moonshine Memorandum. If you wish to report libel, racism or inaccuracies, please email MalleusMaleficus@aol.com  To make a formal complaint under IPSO rules please contact IPSO directly at ipso.co.uk .  
     Some of the aliens  must have looked pretty ashen because after the discussion the Prince of Wales came up in a rather stiff, self-conscious attempt at  inter-galactic camaraderie. “This is a pleasure I’ve been looking forward to for a long time,”  the representative of Planet Windsor said to the Ophiuchusian, “have you come far?” What
advice Charles had to offer the aliens on the matter of global warming is not known, but wearing his traditional tartan kilt, he urged the extraterrestrials to buy woollen clothing, praising it as a global environmental resource - "versatile, sustainable, renewable and natural". He also confided the application of homeopathic medicine on his sheep, cows and "the woman I love", something that had once been controversial but was now "customary and idiot-proof." That his Jaguar and Land Rover had been converted to run on biodiesel derived from used cooking oil, was common knowledge even on Ophiuchus, while his classic Aston Martin ran on bio-ethanol fuel made from surplus British wine.
          “To the simple all things are simple,” one of the aliens remarked, and it seems certain that the Rebel Prince’s impact on the extraterrestrials had been profound. They talked about it for days. Surely, he had the interest of the entire universe at heart, Ophiuchus included. And so far as we can reconstruct events, Charles had sat down and written a rather odd missive in capital letters and secret ink involving  architecture, design, beauty, covetousness, homeopathy, mediaeval rites, literalism, you name it:
          “I am aware . . . how much these causes mean to you …You have untiringly used your voice to speak up for the planet Earth.” He seemed animated by the alliance, describing the merger of  humans and  aliens as “a natural anthropological union,” and signed almost gushingly: “please rest assured of my ceaseless involvement, begging leave only to assure you that I am, with all possible respect, &c., &c., The Defender of Faiths.”
"I don't know what you should do, Charles is hopeless."
          Whores arrived en masse, as did pickpockets, street-scammers, moneylenders, suicide-bombers,  and vendors of rhino-horn, who tried to rid the world  of fever, rheumatism, carbuncles, nausea, hallucinations, Krishnan Guru-Murthy, and demonic possession. Hundreds of boys dressed in white with prayer caps sat in the centre of the Assembly floor rocking back and forth. The sound which bore no resemblance to that of any known utterance, was their murmuring as they attempted to memorise all 77,934 words of the Koran.  It is a noise you will never forget.
          The headlines that morning were:

          So ended the summit of The Planet of the Apes. The aliens were taken to the Ophiuchusian embassy in Prince Charles’ personal state-of-the-art BMW 760 – an armoured vehicle capable of repelling high-velocity sniper bullets and poison gas. Enclosed by sensors that can detect pedestrians at 1,000ft, shut windows instantly and inject emergency oxygen, they were  all wearing carbon-resisting charcoal fur and expressions of stoically born incredulity. 



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