The following is the unedited version of an exposé currently featured
in the 27th revised edition of Malleus
Maleficus The Moonshine Memorandum. If you wish to report libel, racism or inaccuracies, please email
MalleusMaleficus@aol.com To make a formal complaint under IPSO rules
please contact IPSO directly at ipso.co.uk .
Some of the aliens
must have looked pretty ashen because after the discussion the Prince of
Wales came up in a rather stiff, self-conscious attempt at inter-galactic camaraderie. “This is a
pleasure I’ve been looking forward to for a long time,” the representative of Planet Windsor said to
the Ophiuchusian, “have you come far?” What
advice Charles had to offer the
aliens on the matter of global warming is not known, but wearing his traditional tartan kilt, he urged the extraterrestrials to buy woollen clothing, praising it as a global environmental resource - "versatile, sustainable, renewable and natural". He also confided the application of homeopathic medicine on his sheep, cows and "the woman I love", something that had once been controversial but was now "customary and idiot-proof." That his Jaguar and Land Rover had been converted to run on biodiesel derived
from used cooking oil, was common knowledge even on Ophiuchus, while his classic Aston Martin ran on bio-ethanol fuel
made from surplus British wine.
“To
the simple all things are simple,” one of the aliens remarked, and it seems
certain that the Rebel Prince’s impact on the extraterrestrials had been
profound. They talked about it for days. Surely, he had the interest of the
entire universe at heart, Ophiuchus included. And so far as we can reconstruct
events, Charles had sat down and written a rather odd missive in capital
letters and
secret ink involving architecture,
design, beauty, covetousness, homeopathy, mediaeval
rites, literalism, you name it:
“I am
aware . . . how much these causes mean to you …You have untiringly used your
voice to speak up for the planet Earth.” He seemed animated by the alliance, describing the
merger of humans and aliens as “a natural anthropological union,” and
signed almost gushingly: “please rest assured of my ceaseless involvement, begging leave only to assure you that I
am, with all possible respect, &c., &c., The Defender of Faiths.”
 |
| "I don't know what you should do, Charles is hopeless." |
Whores
arrived en masse, as did pickpockets,
street-scammers, moneylenders, suicide-bombers,
and vendors of rhino-horn, who tried to rid the world of fever, rheumatism, carbuncles, nausea,
hallucinations, Krishnan Guru-Murthy, and demonic possession. Hundreds of boys dressed in white with
prayer caps sat in the centre of the Assembly floor rocking back and forth. The
sound which bore no resemblance to that of any known utterance, was their
murmuring as they attempted to memorise all 77,934 words of the Koran. It is a noise you will never forget.
The
headlines that morning were:
So
ended the summit of The Planet of the Apes. The aliens were taken to the
Ophiuchusian embassy in Prince Charles’ personal state-of-the-art BMW 760 – an
armoured vehicle capable of repelling high-velocity sniper bullets and poison
gas. Enclosed by sensors that can detect pedestrians at 1,000ft, shut windows instantly
and inject emergency oxygen, they were
all wearing carbon-resisting charcoal fur and expressions of stoically
born incredulity.
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