Monday, 14 November 2016

"Credible and True" or "Absurd and Untrue" ?

The following is the unedited version of an exposé currently featured in the 20th revised edition of Malleus Maleficus'  [title withheld]. If you wish to report intrusiveness, defamation or inaccuracies, please email  To make a formal complaint under IPSO rules please contact IPSO directly at .  

“You’re under arrest,” Constable O’Shea said before he subjected Adrian Mitchum to a sobriety test.  Possibly he may have meant to be kind; but O’Shea was an Irishman given to black moods. Numbed by monotony, his thoughts were phlegmatic and unassuming. A man whose exterior resting expression  matched a sullen and lumbering interior.  Mitchum, by contrast,  sported ruggedly handsome features, a casual bearing, and a rakish sense of mischief. An acute, specific detail man, he was not given to impetuousness, his foremost gift being acerbity and a natural attitude of superiority not unmixed with disdain.  But every so often he couldn’t prevent himself from losing it. And this was one of those occasions. With the accumulated passion of a well-trained man of action who doesn’t give a damn, Mitchum spilled his guts: “I don’t think you understand who you’re dealing with, here,” he exclaimed. “Best you learn your f****** don’t run this f****** f****** Irish pleb!” Having made plain his displeasure, Mitchum, the cool, analytical professional regained the appearance of perfect sang-froid by buttoning up his fly: “You haven’t heard the last of this!”
            Indeed, mate...” Constable O'Shea parried. "Chances are, you haven't either!
            “Well, imagine my embarrassment!”  Mitchum’s demeanour suggested the obduracy of a man with a total disregard for the consequences. “It’s a bloody liberty.  If a man can’t take a piss, the human race is really in trouble. I thought you guys were supposed to f****** help us.” But once again PC O’Shea  remained resolutely unengaged. He knew the procedure. “On your bike,” he ordered matter-of-factly, and that was the end of that.
            Three weeks later Adrian Mitchum received a summons from the Derby and South Derbyshire Magistrates’ Court. Page 3 contained a Statement of Facts, which read as follows:

At 20.45 hours on 13th January 2012, the defendant was seen by a police officer to commit an indecent act by urinating in a public place. When questioned and told the facts would be reported he expressed no regret. The Prosecutor will request costs of £ 400 at Court – do not pay in advance.

            How the press got hold of the story remains uncertain, though it seems likely that  a bogus email and the leaking of O’Shea’s log to a number of tabloids was inadvertently responsible.  On the other hand,  it was doubtless a great relief to Mitchum, given Belinda’s propensity for attracting the wrong kind of publicity, that she had declined to be interviewed for the six-o’clock slot on the regional news. But while declaring that she was  not in the habit of “publicising what my friends do,” she also said that she was standing by her man. At which point those  more interested in pursuing this line of enquiry, noted that she appeared to spend much of her time with another. Then again, who cares? A devout Catholic, Belinda’s dream had been to put together a gender-realignment franchise that targeted transvestites and  rock stars alongside supermodels and athletes competing in the 2018 World Gay Games, but her real talent was playing music that owed a great deal to her own
improvisation.  For whatever the reasons for her remarkable flair – which The Mirror attributed to an “artistic ambition but no creative talent” – Belinda Blew-James once sang in a Cardiff church choir and played the French horn with the Cynon Valley Band in Glamorganshire.
            Her sage advice: enjoy life while you can.
            What happened next is largely a matter of unsubstantiated gossip, but an account of the incident subsequently appeared on the website, which posts ufo sightings as submitted by the general public in Britain. Referred to as “The witness, a vocal performer and a woman of the world,” Belinda had allegedly been confronted with a “levitating entity”, three feet, six inches tall,  or so it was claimed.. Indeed, if the description of a “levitating entity”, was never actually made by Miss Blew-James, nor any reference to the subject of “Plebs” by Dr. Mitchum, then nothing that I could say in conclusion would make things any clearer. Which is probably why their attempts to reassure members of the public that they didn’t say what the public thought they said  altogether failed to relieve the pressure on them to explain what exactly it was they said.  
            If you get the drift?
            As it happens, it was not until claims made by a witness known only as “Nick”, with generous references to a paedophile ring at Westminster, that the Mitchum affair lost ascendency. But not before it signalled a sudden and unexpected end to a promising career. Moreover, since as I believe, nothing will acquit Mitchum of the charge of having committed a public nuisance,  it would perhaps be as well to state the case in his own carefully chosen words: “While I would endeavour to reject the claim of irresponsible Ufo-websites, that I have been levitating while taking a leak,  I am nevertheless prepared to acknowledge that I  had great difficulty in keeping my temper.”
            Exactly what Belinda and Mitchum were up to on the evening of January 13th 2012, remains, accordingly, something of a mystery. There are questions about the affair that may never be fully resolved. Was this a mission to entrap the head of the Office of Cyber Security at Cheltenham, or were the media simply concerned that the investigation uncovered no evidence to substantiate claims
of “a VIP gang which held sex parties at Dolphin Square”? The Derbyshire police commissioner Baldric Hogan-Hulk, speaking on Radio 5 Live, confirmed that “the man known as  A. Mitchum” had been charged,  but declined to be specific. “The details of the alleged affair have not been determined sufficiently for us to disclose to the media,” he said, but confirmed that they were “credible and true”[1]. The Crown Prosecution Service (CPS) said it would issue an arrest warrant if it was convinced "there is likely to be a case to answer". Mitchum himself described the allegations as "absurd and untrue".  Constable O’Shea had his story, and said he was sticking to it.
            And there for the time being, the matter stood.

...further scandalous revelations to follow !

[1] © Kenny McDonald.
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