Wednesday, 22 June 2016

AFRICA - “Never was so much effort required to deal with someone so useless.”

The following is the unedited version of an exposé currently featured in the 27th revised edition of Malleus Maleficus  The Moonshine Memorandum. If you wish to report racism or inaccuracies, please email  To make a formal complaint under IPSO rules please contact IPSO directly at .  

         If Africa is a Third World country pretending to be a First World one, the task of bridging the gap has been made all the more daunting by the West’s manifest resolve that in making an omelette
Hail thee - a $ 10m severance & retirement deal!
one should not go so far as to break any eggs. Barely had the smoke cleared from the cataclysms of the Second World War, than the constitutional and national rights restored to all participants, victors and victims alike, were reconfirmed as inalienable for Africans, too. Only far too early! At least by fifty or a hundred years. Even to think at this time of setting up purely Native States was an act of historical genocide. An economically catastrophic misjudgment, not only for its absence of social equity, but also for its recklessness as an example of the most rapid expansion of political idiocy in the geo-political history of mankind. The snowballing statistics of African carnage, diseases and poverty, which continue to accumulate to this day, do nothing to conceal the fact that the great majority of them were the record, ultimately, not just of post-colonial African atrocities, but of the white man's "inalienable humanity". And to point out that UK aid to corrupt countries  has risen by 10% is only to understate their mutual failing.  Almost £ 1.39bn was sent to the world’s 20 most crooked states last year, up from £1.26bn in 2015. Pakistan alone took billions in aid, while training the Taliban. Mugabe, meanwhile,  happily moved into retirement with a reported $ 10m severance deal.
      Trapped in infinite regress, an increasingly ugly political climate in South Africa is further contributing to the highest figure of murdered white South Africans in recent years. Beaten,
blowtorched and shot to death, this appears to be an anthropological regression in which the African  seeks to regain  a once-perfect state through ancient, predatory processes intended to put him in touch with his primordial spirit. And never mind the comedy of errors put on by supporting African players such as Nigeria’s Muhammadu Buhari, Kenya’s Uhuru Kenyatta or  Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe etc.,[1] whose rabid anti-colonialism has been economically absolutely disastrous for the mass of African people.
             Or take the African Union’s resolve of Oct. 2013 that no African head of state should appear before the International Criminal Court. And if this seems far-fetched, it is worth considering South Africa's formal withdrawal, on the 19th Oct. 2016, from the Rome Statute which established the ICC. As another instant of histrionic, anti-colonial infantilism, that nifty resolve appears almost magisterial. I mean, was there ever a more loathed institution? Only a churl would point to  the 783 charges of corruption and fraud that are still outstanding against Jacob Zuma! Knowing what they have been, but not what they have  become, these strangely dysfunctional nations, with the squandered potential to provide the rest of the Continent with all the food it needs, are waging “a campaign of calculated terror, not with governments or other armies, not for diamonds or gold or political gain, but specifically and systematically for survival. They loot and rape and mutilate[2] and murder and kidnap without aim or motive, just a nihilistic imperative to keep going.”[3]
            In a famous phrase, “Never was so much effort required to deal with someone so useless.” Take, for example, the Ivory Coast's Basilica of Our Lady of Peace of Yamoussoukro. Also known as "the basilica in the bush," it is decorated with 36 massive stained-glass windows, hand-made in Bordeaux, France. Some sort of delusory monument to an equally delusory divinity in a country with an annual per capita income of $650. Taller than St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, it stands towering above a pastoral sprawl of grazing cattle and ramshackle buildings. The word hypocrisy is quite inadequate...(see Matthew 15:7-9). To convey an adequate impression of it, there is  the case of hubris and of nemesis. Cast in antique grandeur like a Homeric celebration of human idiocy stands another towering tribute: Senegal's African Renaissance Monument. Taller than the Statue of Liberty, this is meant to celebrate the emancipation of the continent from those who actually conceived and erected the blessed thing. Indeed, it is no small thing to be a monument, at one and the same time, to national glory, a guarantee of independence, and a testament to venality and corruption.  Talk about myths taking the place of facts. 
        But then, modesty isn't a high priority. Indeed, while the US president cancelled plans for Nasa to send humans to the moon, citing cost and
danger, his Sudanese equivalent, Omar Hassan al-Bashir was fine-tuning his plans for  an African Space Agency. Few could doubt the urgency. Or take Julius Malema, leader of South Africa’s Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF), who demanded that all whites must learn to speak an African language. Asked why he was speaking in English he memorably replied that he had “no time for racist questions”.So my own question is, why did Nigeria's Muhammadu Buhari's 'war against indiscipline' - which consists in a good thrashing for citizens being late for work or failing to form an orderly queue at a bus-stop - attract some 170,000 volunteer enforcers? To which the only answer is: they joined the thugs to avoid being beaten up!
            Clearly, a festering fury is heartfelt. A hatred of the hand that feeds you. But while Russia sends 60 to a 100 tons of (Mammoth) ivory* every year to China and Vietnam, Uhuru Kenyatta, the president of Kenya resolved  to  reduce 105 tons of elephant ivory and 1.35 tons of rhino horn to a remnant  of smouldering ashes. As you might expect,  the cost of idiocy virtually doubled.  So did the price of ivory! It would be laughable, if it were not disastrous, that Western inspired African philanthropists should have been incapable of anticipating
that the second of these events would be the consequence of the first. If only because of the law of unintended consequences. For the ever-increasing price of ivory is a powerful witness to market forces operating efficiently. Never before in the history of human idiocy have high-minded individuals gone to so much trouble and lost so much money to do something so unintentionally counterproductive. 
            Which takes us back to Idi Amin, alleged to have eaten a large number of people, including the Anglican Archbishop of Uganda.[4] Cooking a pig’s head is culinarily simple, but there’s not much you can do to improve on a badly brined and underhung Bishop. No hard feelings, Your Excellency, but there appears to have been no specific legislation in Uganda governing the act of cannibalism. In fact, Idi Amin was  probably the most universally maligned chef in Africa and, uncharacteristically for
a chef and an African, also the last King of Scotland. Which is not  bad for a man whose cooking we hate. But then, Africans don’t lack culinary confidence, they just lack finesse, according to the late AA Gill of The Sunday Times: “Black-eyed peas, Bishop and rice, that’s a combination made in heaven.” The answer to African cannibalism, the well-known restaurant critic   purportedly claimed, was all in the perception. “It’s the rest of us that need to shape up and not look at them as cannibals. This is a very positive and inspiring attitude. Just stop seeing the problem as a problem. God is hidden in the list of ingredients.”

 Proof that there's a merciful God in heaven... 

[1] Before the farm invasions Zimbabwe produced 3m tons ofmaize a year, far exceeding its needs of 1.8m tons. This year it is expecting 600,000 tons.
[2] About 75% of the children used as bombers by Boko Haram in West Africa were female, some as young as 8.
[3] AA Gill in the Democratic Republic of Congo’s Triangle of Death: “If I say more I will cry” The Sunday Times Magazine Nov. 17, 2013.
[4] Janani Jakaliya Luwum was the archbishop of the Church of Uganda from 1974 to 1977 and one of the most influential leaders of the modern church in Africa.

*Scientists estimate that 150m dead mammoths lie beneath the tundra.
 Malleus Maleficus is an advocate of English liberal democracy, and the  anonymous author of an historiographic apology of the British Empire.

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